war of philosophies

Just recently, me, joey, tere and tin were having a bout of debate. The question, would you rather be a risktaker or stay on the sidelines?

My side:

I would rather be a risktaker. I want to know how things are done, and I want to expereince them myself, so that I'll really know my stand/judgement regarding a certain situation. I don't want to judge a thing/matter based on hearsays from others. Curiosity will itch me to try a thing. Its like, to get a feel if water in a pool is cold, I just don't like to ask, "is it cold?", and when a person says "yes", I won't hesitate not to dip my feet in the said cold water and have a feel of it. Or when you ask if it's too deep for you, then when a person says it is, I won't go out, dive in the water to know if it's really deep.

Would it be stupidity if you jump into the water and have a feel if it's really cold, or if it is deep? I'd say, it's getting to know firsthand if it's really what the person described it to be. I need to try. I just can't go on and believe. I need to have my own stand. What if it's not deep? What If I can do it. We have different capabilities, different opinions, and just mere knowing another person's stand on thing will not convince to accept it the way he/she sees it.

Joey's stand: At the first stance, when people tell me about something and they have described how it is, and it doesn't appeal to me, I would much rather not attempt to do it myself. kasi, sinabi niya nang ganun, susundin ko pa. You've already known the consequences, then why attempt to do it? It is conformity, but atleast you are safe

My stand: We all know life's an adventure, it would be plain boring if you just adhere to what other people say, and accept, without you not knowing what the consequences are. For all we know, that one thing can have an adverse/negative effect, but for you, it's just okay, it seems nothing.

Ok...to explain things in simple matter, can anybody give me concrete examples, please?

just trying

I am not a techie person, i just navigate much on the net that's why I'm able to get around on doing things. Now, don't laugh at me for not knowing how to post pictures on my blog, it's just one of the things that's been bugging me...what the heck i dunno how to post pictures
Luckily, i was able to know how...so here it is...
i captured this one while waiting for a friend to finish reading her mail at the office. This was taken one morning at our office's pantry...shows perspective, it's just basic, but I do have this "growing" interest in photography...

different strokes, different folks!

warning!...this is not a blog post in essay form!..wala itong kwenta...free writing kang ng isang taong wala na namang magawa!


I love my friends...naiinis ako pag di ko nasusuklian yung comfort/friendship/favor na binibigay nila sa akin!...kahit na short complement lang nila sa akin, I feel na im important pag ganun.
Kanina lang, porket sinabihan lang ako ni girlfriend A* na maganda ang buhok ko, at adviced niya na lagi dapat akong magpa-patreat ng hair, feeling ko, napaka importante ko na...ewan ko,,,basta, kahit na simpleng ganun lang, I feel grateful kasi napapaglaanan ako ng pansin, at ibig sabihin ay, I exist for them...babaw no?, pero basta, ang gaan sa feeling!

Tapos kanina, sabi pa ni girlfriend A, she's grateful kasi i took her advice/pangaral, coming from an ate. PAno ba naman, I was feeling burned out already, to the point that I already wanted to quit my job and search for a new one. My reason is, I feel na walang nangyayari sa kin!,what I'm doing is not exactly the career i want to have, at kahit na mababa ang sahod sa job description na gusto ko, at the very least, i know i will be enjoying.

Girlfriend A told me that she has gone through the same period, as what I'm going through now. Wag daw ako padalos dalos, kasi the job that we have is one na "super okay na" compared to others...San ka ba naman nakakita ng "underworked, overpaid job" that we have....dial-dial lang, tapos ayun na, you get your pay at the end of the month...

Then nakwento ko pa na the reason why Im staying is that I want to save something for myself,before ako magdelve sa career path na gusto ko(gusto kong maging journalist, magsulat, pero getting it started is not that easy, lalo na pag dating sa sweldo), ad to that the fact that I stillowe the university in w/c I graduated frm, some left balance, hindi ko makuha ang diploma ko and t.o.r...so I need to stay in the current job I have, para makaipon agad.

Girlfrend A told me na iyon nga, konting tiis pa, kailangan mo muna mag ipon para makuha mo yung transcript mo...she told me...

Now that I'mfeeling much better na, she felt good kasi, naipabago niya raw yung pagtingin ko sa work namin. At the very least, nagkaroon uli ako ng motivation...



******

nag message sa kin sa friendster si tito barkada*, asking kung kelan kami magj-jamming. Nakakatouch kasi kala ko nung una, biruan lang ang plano naming pag-gitara,,,yun pala totohanan..so yun, mags-skedyul kami ng aming jamming day!


*****

Si Girlfriend B* gustorin magjamming at magbanda...kaya ayun, plano kami kung ano pangalan ng band namin, at nagplano ng pag-aaral ng instrumento para we can perform on our own, nang hindi malakihang banda, yung kaming 2 lang!

*****

Si Girlfrined C*, bratty!...minsan asar ako sa kanya, kasi nga may pagkabratinella, pero ewan ko ba, masaya pa rin shang kaibigan...yung hindi ka entirely maiinins sa kanya...you can get along well with her, naasar sa kanyang pagiging prinsesa, pero hindi mo pa rin maalis yung frinedship niyo...that, I don't know kung bakit nga ba frineds pa rin kme!...siguro, ganun talaga, pag friends, friends!


***

Si Acquaintance 1, madalas lang bumili ng nags sa kin nung christmas, pero ngayun, napaka warm ng pagbati niya sa akin...yung para bang tuwang tuwa sha pag nakikita ako!....ewan ko rin ba! Sabi ni girlfriend D*, pareho daw kami ng features...para kaming mag ate...well, maybe, she's supposed to be the ate I never had...

******

Si Will*, nakakasundo ko talga, pero, bangayan kami mag usap...para kaming Will and Grace,,,siguro kaya kami nagkakasundo kasi pareho kami ng passion...sa craft na guso naming pagalingin ang mga sarili nmn...siguro, pareho kaming frustrated ngayon, pero alam ko unti unti kaming magiging fablous someday!

*****

Si Girlfriend D*, ateng ate, super accomodating...napakabait!...hangang hanga ako sa logic powers niya! Dahil dun, siya ang second na pinagkakatiwalaan ng team pag dating sa work at sa mga process nito. Super jolly din sha, komik ang buhay, parang walang inaalalang problema...
isa pa, mababaw!, nawawala agad ang galit niya sa isang tao, basta pa bigyan mo lng sha ng something na ikakasaya niya, nakakalimutan niya ang galit sayo...


o sha...pagod nako...basta masaya ako sa iba't ibang friends na meron ako...I do appreciate all the things that they have given to me...and I do appreciate them for what they trully are...ewan ko b, pero special sila sa kin...and they're one of my gems that I will always treasure!, naks, a basta salamat!





* names are not given to protect their real identity..

im not against the gay community

I just recently found out that my crush is gay, and that he's (i assume) getting it on with my gay "brother"...darn it.

papatol na lang sha sa kamukha ko pa...at sa lalaki pa.

but, well, it could be more paibful kung pinagpalit niya ko sa girl..mai-insecure pko.

But with what i've found out....

well, it turned me off..

I accidentally told joey....(him, my crush) being gay is an imbalance in the ture order of nature...

then he blurted out: " TEKA, NAKAKALIMUTAN MO YTANG BADING DIN ANG KAUSAP MO!

I wasn't generalizing things...but

ang guwapo guwapo mg crush ko pra maging bading!

i hate him!

One Hectic Day

I availed two days of vacation leave. My reason, I was getting burned out already. I felt that I needed time for myself, away from the pressure of working at something I'm not really good at, or something that is not really in my forte. (Honestly, I would not have stayed if not for the good pay I'm getting). I didn't want to wake up just to go to work-dial, collect debts, reason out against delinquent Americans who don't know how to pay for their fnck!ug#@ debts!

It was also a time away from "reklamador" and "tsismosa"officemates, with whom I need to deal with sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos! Now i realize how office gossip and office social relations are one of the issues that can stress you out, kahit sabihin mong hindi ka nagpapaapekto, or eventhough you are not really involved in it. Anyway, elaborating on it more would be part of another blog topic/post.

It was "supposedly" a time for me to think about my other career plans. I really wanted to focus on writing, go back to school (I wasn't a really good student back then, so it's actually one of my frustrations to work well and focus on studying), and have a business.

Unfortunately, I didn't even feel the vacation, and as usual, I still don't have concrete plans on what to do. So I guess, I have to bear with the pressure I have on myself. Konting tiis pa sa call center.

I spent my "supposedly" vacation by going to the office to meet Joey and submit our Mad Dash application, which we seriously wanted to join (after all our too much efforts, I'm really seriously praying that we get picked for the game, Lord help!).

As Ive said before, wala pa kami sa competition, ang dami na agad obstacles. I almost did not make it to meet the doctor who was going to give us our medical certificates. She was only up at the office until 10 am. It was already 9:30, and I was stil out in the street, caught in traffic! I felt Joey's fury in his text mesage as I've read it while on the road: Hoy bruha! asan k n? Hanggang 10am lng and duktor!

Well, I can be like The Flash sometimes, so I made it to the doctor.

***

After that, we still had to have our pictures takenOthe requirements for the contest was a 3r full body photo. because we are a resourceful tag team, and the idea of having a full body shot, studio picture didn't sound appealing to us (and we didn't want to have lots of copies of it), we decided to take pictures ourselves, coming from my really handy cellphone camera. Atleast, we will only be getting the no. of pictures we need.

Just then, I realized that I didn't have my USB connector with me,"so papaano natin ito ipapadevelop?" I asked Joey. (God, another hurdle!, when will this end, gusto lang naman namin sumali sa mad dash, is that bad?)

Of all times, bakit ngayon ko pa nakalimutan ung usb connector, samantalang araw-araw ko yun dala? I asked myself.

Anyway, we got past that, dahil posible palang mag blue tooth galing sa computer. Sorry, but I'm not a techie, and I'm not really updated with technology, so bear with me, and cut the laughter!

We were able to submit the application. Hurrah! What an achievement!

"O ayan ha, pag may aberya pa at hindi pa tinanggap yan, ayoko na talaga!" I freaked out in front of Joey, pulling my hair, at the same time.

Hopefully, wala nang aberya....Thank God.

***

People who know that we are going to join the game were already givng their well wishes. Joey said, "I can feel it. Sign ito, mabubunot tayo. Makakasali tayo!"

Silently, deep in my heart, I was having my doubts. What are the chances of getting picked in a raffle out of the many people, yuppies, and teenagers from the whole Metro Manila who might have joined the game?

Still, I didn't want to crush Joey's excitement...


***

When I went home, My mom and our maid were busy sorting out old things stuck in our bodega that needs to be thrown away. (It's a good thing na wala silang nakitang ahas at tinuklaw sila, or maybe, hindi lang nila nakita...)

My mom asked if I can give them a hand.

Because I'm such a sweet, hardworking, "non-reklamador" daughter, I did help them.

So that's how my day went. I am tired.

I just wish all my efforts will pay off....

Universe make way!

Paolo Coelho, in his book. "The Alchemist" once said, "when you want to achieve something, the whole universe conspires for you to achieve it."

I say, THE WHOLE UNIVERSE CONSPIRES....

against you,
against all the things you want to do.

It plots hurdles so that you'll have the difficulty of going through
And ditches, so that you'll fall and get stuck in the ground.

You get tired and disheartened
Until you feel weak and decide not to push through the race and say, "I quit. It's over"

THE WHOLE UNIVERSE REQUIRES YOU

to grab your whole strength, your whole efforts, (even if that means fighting fatigue)
before it gives you the sweet apple of success.

As Joey will describe it, the thing that you want is laid in front of you. You marvel at it, excited at the thought of having it, almost within reach of having it, until the Universe grabs it far from you and tells you ops, patikim lang iyan. Uh-uh, not that easy!!!! I'll make it hard for you.


***

"I told you so, tried and tested ko na ito, pag may gusto akong gawin, ang dami-daming balakid before mo makuha iyo!" Joey ranted one afternoon as we were finishing our own cups of Mcflurry, (wading off frustration)after tiringly trudging the street of F. Ortigas Jr. Road, and heading over McDo to submit our fully-accomplished Mad Dash application, another local version of Amazing Race, wherein you have to find the 24 McDo branches in Metro Manila, and in there, meet the tasks you need to win the game.( anyway, needto elaborate more on that some other time)

Anyway, back to my story, we were about to submit the application until...


McDo Manager: Sir, maam, along with the app. form po, you have to submit also a 3R (full-body) photo, proof of identification, particularly a birth cert., and a med cert. to state that you're physically fit for the game....

Me and Joey (with an impending gray cloud, and rant over our own heads): WHAAAAAAAATTT!!!!

Our worlds, once again, crashing down into us.

***

Even before that happen, I have already sensed impending obstacles. As I've said, things aren't all that easy to achieve. We can't get away just like that, na kailangan mo ipasa yung isang bagay, tapos, ok na, kasali ka na. No, no, no, no.

1. "Joey, kailangan ng 1 x 1 picture para ipasa ito. Ako meron na, siguro naman meron ka diyan naitatago sa wallet mo" I told him. Joey fished down over his wallet, "A, meron yata, wait lang." After some moments of waiting for him to find a picture, he said, "ay wala pala."


2. The next day, Joey was able to bring his picture. And so, we happily filled-up the application forms. I told him, "sige, ako na magp-pass niyan tomorrow morning."

As we are on an 8pm-4am shift, I decided to sleep first at the office's sleeping quarters before going to McDo to submit the application, as they still open at 6am.

I was at Mcdo already and ready to hand in the form, until I noticed that we haven't signed at the waiver at the back of it. "Shit, wala pang pirma si Joey" I told myself.

I was on vacation leave the next day, but that means I have to go to office again to meet Joey just to ask him to sign the waiver. Para lang doon, pupunta ako sa office...para sa pirma lang...grrr! The next day's going to be another tiring day of commuting, facing the traffic and all that heat, para lang maipasa ang application.

Grabe, pahirap. Just for that.

3. And on the third day, that mighty demand for those three requirements were asked from us!

Grabe na ito ha! If by tomorrow, and they still ask something from us, like "we need your birth cert. copy", ...I don't have that copy, and it takes a week before it get's processed....and by that time, tapos na ang application...

Or if, (knock on wood that it won't happen) something happens with the application form, like it get's eaten by the dog, or get's lost or something...I'm sorry, but that's the ultimate, ewan ko na lang, grabe na ang pahirap ng universe!

***

"No, Ganito naman talaga parati. Ibig sabihin makukuha tayo. Makakasali tayo sa MAd dash. Lagi tong nangyayari sa akin. Pinahihirapan talaga ako, tapos in the end, makukiuha ko siya." Joey reassured himself, uplifting his spirits, and mine as well.

And thus, the start of our again-never ending conversation on failrues, frustrations and hurdles on the things we wanted to achieve.

***

Joey describes himself as a frustrated artist. He dreams of one day creating a comic book, get it published and amass money (as fruit of obtaining readers that will gorge over his comic book). But, still now, at age 25, he is still not able to do that.

Me, a frustrated writer. Struggling to create better compositions, attempting to string together ideas that will someday be readable, with the description of each words, each action, un-confusing. Still, at age 21, after four years of majoring in Journalism, I'm still at a loss for grouping ideas properly, and creating sound compositions, one that is hindi kalat-kalat ang ideas, at hindi alam kung ano ang unang sasabihin.

***

Joey says, "Life is so unfair! Yung ibang tao, ang dali-dali lang para sa kanila para makuha yung gusto nila, kahit kaunti lang ang effort. Kaunting drawing lang, kaunting talent, ayun, may comic book na! Samantalang yung iba, (katulad ko), ang dami0dami pang kailangan gawin!

I provide him with a statement. "It's because they have the resources, wala silang ibang kailangan pagkaabalahan kundi mag focus dun sa gusto nilang gawin."

But I can't help but to think as well, that for me, there are a lot of distractions. There are a lot of things that I want to achieve, that i don't know what to do first.

I have a cluttered mind, I have cluttered ideas, that I can't seem to organize.

To start my journey to achieve my dreams, I told myself, basta, tuloy-tuloy lang. Try to set a goal everyday, eventhough it's just a menial task, just so I won't feel frustrated or unaccomplished at the end of the day.

One step at a time. WHen you achieve things one at a time, you'll be surprise to find out that you're already at the top.

Patience, my dear, I tell myself.

***

Joey and I started our walk back to our office building, to ask if we can readily obtain a medical certficate, and to have our ID photocopied.

"Basta, ha tomorrow, kailangan natin ng full body picture...basta yun na lang, tapos submit na. !"

It was a tiring day.

I don't know where we are heading at, if we're gonna get picked for the game or not, at the very least, we took every step to join the game.

Yes, we are getting past the fnck!ug#@ hurdles presented to us. It's our challenge against the Universe.

lessons on working and getting motivated

We expect ourselves to become great....but sometimes our expectations fall short - Miranda, Grey's Anatomy



Last night, I was halfway thru watching one episode of Justice. Actually, it was my first time to watch the legal drama. The show is somehow a crossbreed of csi and this certain legal drama i used to watch at ch. 9 back then (of which, the title, i have already forgotten!, and no, it's not Ally Mcbeal).

As one of the movie critics have said, it is a fast paced drama about a team of lawyers getting the job done. It focuses not so much about the case presented at hand, or before the court, it focuses more on the drama of how lawyer try to win a case. It presents the lawyers, not only as a group of intellectual individuals investigating, making queries and presenting evidences but as individuals who have emotions, beset by difficulties such as disappointments and frustrations.

Anyway, the drama last night was about how the young lawyer, Tom tries to win a case of a teenager charged for murdering a man, who at the scene of the crime was seen crucified. Tom believes that the teenager is inncocent, and thus tried to prove this at court.

Tom is an idealist lawyer, and being one, he only defends those persons who believes is innocent. He works hard for the case, his emotions get by his way at times, and this sparks small argumentations and confrontations between the lawyers themselves. Tom seems transparent and sensitive to his emotions (or rather, it is part of the drama that he shows it). He can be seen disappointed, frustrated and even nervous, especially when verdict is already presented.

Ron, the veteran lawyer, seem to act as the consultant, having been to a lot of trials. He advices the group on what to do next, and what to think about the case. Somehow, he seem to be an adviser, especially for Tom who can get emotional about a case he works on. He motivates Tom to move on after a case, and get on with another one. Things can get frustrating, but those are the things that lawyers need to go through, and not to wallow upon.

On the certain episode, Tom wasn't able to win the case, the teenager was proven guilty. In the end, Tom is seen mulling over it, alone at the office building, thinking about how things went, and what he could have done more. Ron comes over and tells him, "the press is looking for you downstairs, you need to face them" Tom feels hesitant, but Ron reminds him: "One lesson you need to know about us laywers, you need to face the press, tell them it's not yet over!"

****

In Grey's Anatomy, the chief of surgery, was about to resign, and thus finding someone to replace his post. Three resident doctors, Dr. Preston, Derek, aspire for the position and each find their own means on how they will be able to tell this to the outcoming chief. Unfortunately, the three approached the doctor all at the same time, each yapping about their own concerns and interests for the position. Dr. Richard Webber, the chief surgeon got irritated about their rush at him and raised his voice: "You know what, I just had a beautiful morning. I happily walked in this building, handed my resignation papers, and is about to buy flowers and visit my wife. It was a beautiful morning, not until you three come yapping at me!"

The three realizing about their overeagerness was caught in a silence.

Miranda, another resident doctor who was going around the hospital gathering signatures for her petition to have a free clinic, appeared. She was surprised to hear about the chief's resignation. When she asked about this to the chief, he immediately told her: "Yes, I'm going to resign. You're one of the potentials for my post, but you were so busy persuading me and everybody else for your free clinic. And for you three, you approaching me like lost kids just showed me your overeagerness..."

The chief surgeon's disappointment can be sensed.

With that, he walked away, again leaving the doctors stunned.

In the end, the three realized the immaturity they have shown for their sudden approach, as well as the ir overeagerness.

Miranda, however, continued for her signature campaign. One sure thing, she knows what she wants, and its not about the highest position, it's still about having her free clinic, one that can minimize the unnecessary surgeries, thus increase the hospital's capability to save lives.

**********

It was true what Miranda said, we do have expectations for ourselves. We wish to do whatever we want to do, achieve the highest achievement that we can achieve. But things are not that easy. In our quest to fulfillment, moreover personal success, obstacles are met, challenges are ever-present. At times, the challenge can be discouraging, as if telling us that since we are met with hurdles, maybe, the things we are trying to have our not meant for us, and it's better to leave it that way; but sometimes, these pose as motivators, pressuring us to do more, be more.

**********

One time, an officemate approached me, asking me why I haven't hit quota for a long time, was I having problems, are the standards unreasonable?

I told her, we all have different capabilities. Maybe for some, reaching the goal can be just a piece of cake, but for some, it can get really tasking. Now, we have our own strategies, and we use whatever ounce of mental strength and persuasive skills we have in order to meet expectations at work, but sometimes, it's just hopeless.

It's not that we are laxed at work, it's just that we don't have that enough power, enough strength to meet the goal. It can be embarassing, but this doesn't mean that we do not apreciate our work. It doesn't meant that we are just there waiting for our salaries every pay day.

We work, we try to be productive, but not on the same level as hitting the quota. For one thing, I am proud that I adhere to rules, and quality at that. I don't cheat, I don't falsify accounts, and I work adhering to the rules imposed on us. I would like to say I have the value of integrity.

I'm not like any other officemates who will do whatever means just to hit quota and having those extra money. One thing, extra money is good, that's why it's called a bonus, but this doesn't mean that you are required to hit that! (of course, you try, because it's a goal, but if you don't hit it, it doesn't mean that you're a useless worker!)...It's in one's prerogative if he/she wants to hit that every month.

But the thing is, you should ALWAYS try to achieve. But, no one should be harsh enough to tell you that you are not doing your job.


***********

It is one life's reality that expectations fall short. But what we can do will be to keep expecting and keep creating standards. If you are not able to meet them, then, it's one part of our experiences, thus we should be more forgiving, and not something to be mulled over about and make us feel too frustrated.

Expectations give us a purpose to keep on doing things. It is a drive that keeps us living and going through whatever situation or project we delve ourselves into. It is just like a journey.

That being said, It's not the destination (success) that keeps us going, it's the journey towards it.

***********

Homecoming


Alas onse ng umaga. Nakatayo sa tapat ng pintuan ng arts studio si Jeremy. Tahimik na humihithit ng sigarilyo, nagmamasid masid at nakatingin sa malayo. “Pare, pag dumating si Sheena, sabihin mo wala ako ha, absent at hindi niyo alam kung nasaan” paalala niya sa ka-opisinang si Bobby na kasalukuyang nirerepaso ang sketch na kaninang madaling araw pa niya ginagawa.

Napatingin sa kanya si Bobby. “Nagbago yata ang ihip ng hangin at iniiwasan mo siya ngayon! Pare, kung ayaw mo na sa kanya, call it quits, hindi yung ganyang nagtatago ka!” Pangaral nito sa kanya.

Nanahimik sandali si Jeremy. Mangha sa mga huling salitang binitawan ni Bobby.
Si Bobby na kilalang lapitin ng mga kolehiyala sa kanilang lugar. Astigin itong pumorma, long-haired, tumutugtog ng gitara para sa isang banda, gumagawa ng mga kanta at tula para sa mga babaeing nakikilala. Isa rin itong 2d animation artist na kamakailan lamang ay nabuntis ang siyotang nursing student na nakatira malapit sa kanilang opisina.

Naiisip pa rin ni Jeremy si Sheena. Nakilala niya ito sa isang jamming session sa banda ni Bobby kung saan siya ay naimbitahan, isang gabi nang wala siyang magawa at kakatapos lamang ng project na ginawa nila para sa isang kliyente.

Naimbitahan lang din noon si Sheena para kumanta sa banda nila Bobby. Piyesta kasi noon sa kanilang lugar, nangangailangan nila Bobby ng bokalista dahil last minute na nag back-out ang orihinal na bokalista nito.

Kabado din noon si Sheena. Unang beses niyang kakanta sa isang banda, kung kaya’t hindi mapigilan na ang daming sablay at paulit ulit ang praktis nila noon sa jamming studio. Nakikita sa mga mata niya ang pagkahiya at panghihina. Nanlalamig ang kanyang mga kamay, at kapag sisimulan na ang kantahan ay parang nawawala at nakakain ng ugong ng gitara at drums ang kanyang boses. Parang hindi ko yata kaya ito ha! Pansin niya sa sarili.

“Sandali lang ha, hihinga muna ako, nanginginig pa kasi talaga ang boses ko e, pasensiya na!” paumanhin nito sa banda.

“Ayos lang yan, wag kang kabahan. Full band naman tayo e, lakasan mo lang ang boses mo!“ pangaral ng isa nitong kabanda. “Wala na tayong oras, last na ito, sige na kaya mo yan!“

Nakaupo lang sa isang ampli sa sulok ng studio si Jeremy, habang pasimpleng kumakanta at nakikisunod sa tugtugan ng nage-ensayong banda. Naiiyak na ang bokalista, pansin nito. At ilang minuto pa ay tuluyan nang mawawalan ng hininga at kakainin ng takot sa harap ng dalawang gitarista at drummer na kinukuyog siyang tapusin ang last round ng praktis.

“Uy pare, papatayin niyo ba bokalista niyo? Magpahinga nga muna kayo, di naman maton yang kasama niyo no!“ paliwanag nito sa grupo nila Bobby.

Nagpahinga ng ilang minuto ang grupo. Nagsilabasan muna ng studio ang miyembro ng banda para magyosi at para magpahinga ng kaunti. Naiwan sa loob ng studio si Sheena na mukhang buringot at nagbubuntung hininga. Nilapitan siya ni Jeremy nang nakangiti at nagsabi, “Uy, pasensiya ka na sa mga iyon ha! Ganyan lang talaga yan pag nagp-praktis, gusto nila walang pahingahan. Kaya nga siguro mas ginusto na lang sumali sa sagala at hindi sa kantahan yung una nilang bokalista, pahirapan kasi kung magtugtugan yung mga kumag na iyon e!” kuwento nito sa babae.

Sabay inom naman ng tubig si Sheena habang nagkukuwento ang lalaki.

“Ayos lang! Nahihiya nga ako sa kanila e. Napapatagal lang ang praktis nila dahil sa kin! Gusto ko rin nama toh e, inuunahan lang ako ng kaba! Alam mo na, ngayon lang kasi ako kakanta sa banda ” kuwento nito kay Jeremy.

Doon nga nagsimula ang pagkakaibigan ng dalawa at matapos noon ay madalas na silang magkausap at magkita Madali rin silang nagkasundo dahil mahilig mag-asaran at magpatawa sa isa’t isa.

Madaling pumuna at gawing katatawanan ni Jeremy ang mga bagay-bagay sa paligid. Bungis-ngisinin naman si Sheena at madaling mapatawa. Kahit na anong biro o pang-aasar sa kanya ni Jeremy ay ngingiti lamang ito, ngunit maya maya pa ay makikipagsabayan na rin sa mga hirit ng lalaki.

Madalas tawaging “sunog na otap” si Sheena dahil noong araw na tutugtog na ang banda sa piyesta ay kumakain ito at nag-aalok pa ng otap, “sunog” dahil madalas ding tuksuhin ni Jeremy ito sa kanyang kulay morenang balat.

Tutuksuhin siya pabalik ni Sheena. “Akala mo kung sino manglait. Di naman ka-gwapuhan at medyo may katabaan pa. Parang si Mojacko na binasa !” Pansin nito kay Jeremy na kung mapapansin nga ay may pagkalapad ng kaunti ang katawan, at kabilugan ang mukha, pansin ang matambok nitong pisngi.

Lumipas ang mga buwan at napansin ng dalawa na nahuhulog na pala ang loob nila sa isa’t isa. Naging magnobyo at madalas magkasama, sa pamamasyal man, sa paglabas kasama ng mga kaibigan o sa pagpapalipas ng sariling pribadong oras.

Masaya sila sa piling ng isa’t isa. Parang heaven, kung baga. Parang walang problemang magpapahiwalay sa kanila. Kadalasan may problema ang babae ukol sa kanyang pamilya dahil gusto nitong matapos ang pag-aaral ng dalaga at maging sobrang galing sa klase. Mamanahin niya kasi balang araw ang negosyo ng mga magulang.

Ang lalaki naman ay may pagkamoody. Minsan mapang-asar at makuwela, ngunit minsan ay dumarating ang mga araw na seryoso ito at hindi na lang nagsasalita. Madalas siyang inaalipunta ng inis, lalo na sa mga araw na hindi niya masimulang gawin ang isang sketch o drawing na kailangan sa trabaho.

Sa mga ganitong panahon ay alam ng bawat isa kung kailan dapat lumayo at magbigay ng sariling pribadong panahon. Pagbibigay ng distansya para mag-isip ng mga pansariling gawain, at hindi nangungulit o humihingi ng oras. Marunong magbigayan, ika nga.

Handa nang ipakilala ni Sheena si Jeremy sa mga magulang bilang isang nobyo. Paanong hindi, tiwala siya kay Jeremy, masaya siya at sa tingin niya ay aalagaan siya nito.

Sa kasamaang palad, hindi sang-ayon ang pamilya kay Jeremy. Isang hamak na
“artist” na nagtatrabaho sa isang maliit na arts studio sa loob ng kanilang subdibisyon. Isang “artist ” na maraming mood swings, at di alam kung ano ang susunod na proyekto o kung meron mang susunod pa rito.

Nabubuhay lamang siya sa mga katha at sketches na pinagagawa sa kanya ng iba’t ibang kliyente.

Mapapakain ka nga ba ng mga larawan ?

Lumipas ang ilang buwan at hindi nagpakita ang dalaga kay Jeremy. Marahil, panahon ito ng pag-iisip kung kailangan ba niyang ipagpatuloy ang pagmamahal sa dalaga. Matagal-tagal ring hindi bumibisita si Sheena sa studio. Malamang na-brain wash na nga ito ng mga magulang, at napaisip na marahil dala lang ang lahata ng bugso damdamin. Reality check, mga bata pa sila at marahil, may iba pang pagmamahal na darating, mas maayos, mas karapat-dapat.

Ano rin nga naman ang mapapala niya sa isang artist ?

Ngunit sa loob-loob rin ng binata, ni hindi man lang siya naipagtanggol ng dalaga. Matino naman ang ginagawa ko, nabubuhay naman ako sa talentong mayroon ako, bakit ko ito ikakahiya ?

Huling balitang narinig niya tungkol kay Sheena ay aalis na ito patungong Australia, kung saan balak niyang ipagpatuloy ang pag-aaral ng kursong business management. Balak na ring manirahan ng pamilya doon.

Isa lamang akong artist. Kaya ko lamang magpasaya ng tao dahil sa mga imahe at malikhaing katha na nagagawa ko. Nakaguguhit ako ng magagandang mukha, lugar at paraiso, ngunit hindi ko ito maibibigay sa kanila. Makaguguhit ako ng nakakaaliw na imahe, ngunit hindi ng pangarap. Hindi makukuntento ng guhit ko ang mga naisin nila sa buhay.


At ang pag-ibig ay tulad ng pagguhit ng larawan. Ang isang larawan, magandang tingnan, nakakaaliw sa paningin ; ang pag-ibig nakakamangha at masarap sa pakiramdam. Ang larawan kapag nasira, nadumihan at di na maibalik sa dating ganda, hindi na kagigiliwan ng tao, gayundin ang pag-ibig kapag nahaluan ng gulo, kalungkutan at komplikasyon, nagiging mahirap.

Ngunit ang larawan may pagkakataon pang ulitin at iguhit muli ng artist. Ngunit may pagkakataon kung saan ang pangalawang gawa ay hindi na kasingganda at kasing pulido ng naunang larawan.Llalo na kung ang orihinal na gawa ay dala pa ng aktibo at sariwang imahinasyon…dala ng isang musa na minsan lamang kung dumating. ...mahirap nang muling ulitin, mahirap na uling gawin. Wala na ang inspirasyon

Ganoon din ang pag-ibig. Puwedeng simulan muli. Puwedeng bigyan ng pangalawang pagkakataon. Ngunit, paano kung wala na ang unang mahika na dala ng unang pag-iibigan? Nagkakaroon ng kawalang tiwala, ng pag-iisip kung tama bang ibalik ang pag-ibig. Naipagpapatuloy nga ba ito dahil sa pagmamahal o sa pangngailangan na lang ng karamay, o di kaya’y pagkasanay sa taong pinag-alayan ng pag-ibig, panahon at oras?


Itinapon ni Jeremy ang nalalabi sa kanyang yosi. Lumapit siya sa kanyang art desk at tinitigan ang sketch na kanya pang ginawa mula kagabi habang hinihintay niyang matapos ang sketch na ginagawa ni Bobby para sa tinarapos na comics.

Ilang sandali pa, narinig niyang nagtatakbo patungo sa loob ng studio si Bobby, mukha itong nagmamadali at balisa. Nilingon siya ni Jeremy mula sa kanyang art desk.

“Je, si Sheena paparating !..Nakasalubong ko siya sa daan kanina at hinanahanap ka !” sumbong ng kaibigan.

Dali-daling naghanap ng taguan si Jeremy. Sa kanyang pagkatuliro ay nabangga niya ang lalagyang bote ng tinta ng felt-tip pen at pati na ng lalagyan ng mga lapis. Nahulog ito sa sketch na kanina lamang niya tinapos at ngayo’y nakatimbre sa art desk ni Jeremy. Nabasa ito ng tinta at nadumihan. Sketch ito ni Sheena, hawak ang isang gitara habang nakatingin sa malayo, malungkot ang mga mata at ang buhok nitong mahaba animong iniihipan ng malakas na hangin at mariing tumatama sa kanyang mukha.

Napatigil sumandali si Jeremy at napatitig sa nasirang larawan. Ngunit hindi rin nagtagal ay nagmadali itong muli at nagmadaling kumaripas sa likod na pintuan ng arts studio. Mula rin sa bintana, nakikita niya ang paparating na pigura ni Sheena na papalapit na sa pinto.

Pagdating ni Jeremy sa likod na pintuan ay napansin niyang naka-lock pala ito. Bumalik siya sa harap ng studio at naisip na lamang magtago sa palikuran.

Walang silbi rin ang planong pagtatago ni Jeremy dahil pagbalik nito ay tumambad na mula sa kanyang harapan ang malungkot na mukha ni Sheena.

Ang mga mata nitong malungkot, at mugto sa luha na animoy galing sa isang buong gabi ng pag-iyak. Nagkaharap ang dalawa at nagkatitigan. Sa ilang saglit, walang nasabi ang bawat isa. Parang isang eksena mula sa pelikula.

Ilang saglit lang ay nagising mula sa pagkatitig si Jeremy. Nagbigay ng isang malungkot na ngiti at dumeretso papaalis ng arts studio. Naiwan ang isang malungkot na Sheena. Tuloy-tuloy siya sa kanyang paglabas at di na muling lumingon. Plano na niyang huwag nang magpakitang muli.#

SA MGA PANAHONG NAGSASABAY ANG ULAN AT ARAW

Rain, for some can be a very sad companion. It felt as though the world was crying.
The writer, “Ayala the Ayatollah”

Ika-apat ng hapon.
Mula sa malawak na bintana
Pinagmamasdan ko
Ang laro ng dilaw na sikat ng araw
Na humahalo sa berdeng kulay ng mga halaman.

Maririnig ang mahinang pagaspas ng hangin
Sabay ng huni ng ibon at tilaok ng manok.

Panatag na dulot
Sa lumbay na puso.
Katahimikan sa isip—
Sa wakas tapos na ang unos.

Ngunit hindi pa rin natatapos ang kalungkutan
Nananahan pa rin sa isip ang lambong na mga pangyayari.

Ulan sa isipan
At luha sa mata.

Pumapatak ang ulan
Kasabay ang mingning na saya ng araw.

Naririnig ang magaang patak ng ulan
Ang maninipis at mabilis na pagdampi nito
Sa yero ng mga bubungan
Sa dahon ng mga halaman
Sa aspalto ng bawat lansangan.

Hindi naman mapipigilan
Ang pagbuhos ng ulan
Sa maaraw na hapon.

Dahil sa ganitong panahon
Para bang naghaharing sabay ang lungkot at saya.