free writing

I'm on a really bad case of burn out. I've been feeling negative about myself all the time. I feel that I cannot do things. I do not have the energy, the strength, moreover, the confidence to do things I'm supposed to do. There are things which I know am capable to do, but one day find out that I'm totally blanked!


You might find this stupid. I've been working at a call center for over a year already. Everyday, I've been talking to American debtors, asking them to pay their grocery card/shopping bills, I have my everyday spiels, rebuttals, and such negotiating powers to demand them to pay. For some time, I know my spiels like the back of my hand.

Due to some unknowable forces, I've been feeling that I cannot do it. I've been failing to reason out, failed to negotiate, failed to work. It's stupid. I feel like I don't even know simple English.

It bothers me that I cannot do it. I don't even know the reason. I just know the ability is there, it's just that I'm too tired, too sick of saying the same spiels all over again. It's a feeling wherein you would just like to throw up everything that you have digested, everything that you have taken in.

The tagalog word comes to mind: pananawa.

I don't know when this will it end, but I hope it just will.

I have literally ANNOUNCED to close friend that I'm in a bad position right now, "wala sa huwisyo" as I'd always put it.

Joey said that it happens to anyone. Every situation is part of a cycle. At one point, you feel like heaven and the universe are on your side, making things happen to you, but at one point, there will be a time wherein you just feel that you're at a deep end of some things much bigger, some things you cannot control, some loneliness you cannot fight back just by simply telling yourself to cheer up. The brink of loneliness, despair and depression (well, that's too dark a description, but let's just put it that way)

(Of course, I know that already. He just have to remind me that! )

I believe in this "adage".

Of course, as I've said, I need to get out of this one. I cannot go on like this for a long time. This has to end.

******


While trapped inside this kind of paranoia, Joey had the urge or rather, decided to accompany me while waiting for things to clear outside. (For most of you who don't know, I work in a call center, and saturday shift ends up at 4am. It would be too difficult to go home at wee hours of the morning, so I have to wait for mr. early morning sunshine to rise.) Me and Joey had this serious talk this morning about things that bother me, about things that make me weak, about things I cannot do. Simply put, talk about my frustrations in life.

You might put it as such deep talk to start the day, but I cannot help feeling that way.

He told me about strength, focus, how not to be a weakling in front of my family. To stand my ground in whatever ways, be it in family life or whatever. He even told me to take some time alone, and be confident with it. He told me not to be afraid to do my stuff at the most strange, or at places which seem impossible to me: at a park, in a church, or anywhere I'm comfortable at. (ahem, push those malicious thought and dirty minds aside, I'm not talking about masturbation!)

This is in terms of trying to write creatively. Try to observe people, places and make a story out of them. I need to exercise myself to do it.

As of now, I didn't have the strength to do it. Well, not yet because the park where I went to a while ago turned out to be an uncomfortable place to write. Imagine, I look like a weirdo sitting alone underneath a tree, while some "kurimaw" tricycle driver and passers-by look at you and wonder what you are doing. (THe world, they just don't understand why some people need to have their own space!)

Anyway, it might have been a nice scenario: Me, alone, writing, underneath the cool shade of a tree.........

but not with those kinds of people staring at me. Anyway, lecture me about not to please all people, and hell-do-they-care about what I do, but I don't feel comfortable. Period.

Anyway, so now, I'm practicing free writing through this post, obviously. Typing away words and sentences associated to the kind of grogginess and stupidity, and loneliness eating me right now.

At the very least, It has been "detoxifying" me. Something to unleash all the negativity that has been bottling me and my mind.

'Do apologize for my emo craze. I have nothing to do but rant.

*****


Tin and Joey gave me a short lecture on happiness. Joey told me about the cycle thing. Tin opposed saying that it is just a state of mind.

I agreed with JOey.

Tin blurted. "Well, what could be worst, I lost a brother."

I insisted, "well, it depends on the environment you have" When everyone still have the ability to smile, laugh and go through life, you get affected. But what if everyone around you create a mood of loneliness and negativity.

In this case, happiness is difficult to attain.

Still Tin's not convinced that you have to worry about not being happy.

Part of me wants to believe that happiness is really a state of mind, and that it's a decision. You choose to be happy, but that doesn't happen most of the time.

You develop this certain kind of strength, of being happy when you are at the peak, or if not at a certain stage of happiness...

anyway, i have to end this post.

Need to leave now. Have to continue this for next time.

trying to find her own space

It might be embarrassing to say that at age 21 (and will soon hit a year older in 3 mos. time) I'm still striving to master the so-called "talent" I've been given. You see, at this time, most of my colleagues have already know what they want to do, what they want to become, and how they see themselves in few years time. They've been busy building their careers, in writing, in public relations, and in mass media, while I'm still here, spending my time at a call center company, trying to earn lots of money so that someday I will be able to support my dream lifestyle.

I thrive to be posh-like. I dream of becoming a well-off writer who doesn't have to worry about money. I dream of having the things I want-a simple, nice pad (or a condo unit, if ever!), having my very own laptop, my own furnitures, anything and everything posh-like!

Of course, it is ONE HELL OF A BIG DREAM!!!!!!

But what can I do, I live for my dreams. I think I survive for my dreams....

But what the heck!, I just have to go through it all...until the right time for my own success comes...

practice, practice, practice!!!!

focus, focus, focus!!!!!

Now, if only I can find something to work on those "writing skills"...

I can do this!....


(Oh man, this self-motivation thing drive me nuts!)...

just some thoughts

First story: Today, I fought the urge to feel tired and burned out once again. I woke up at 2am just to prepare myself to work and start the day. I fought back the negativity of feeling that I'll be doing the same thing all over again, just how my everyday work goes. It has already been a part of my system, an everyday workweek to come to work, take calls, collect useless american debts for me to have my paycheck every two weeks, (in a way, american debts are not as useless as it seems to me, as it "pays the rent"). As I've said, I've been working in a call center for almost a year. At first, everything seemed enjoyable: I get a high pay, there's take home money for the household bills, moolah for the gimiks, cash for my luxuries. It's a good life! But now, I'm feeling the burn-out. It is the kind of feeling wherein you think you are not productive anymore, you've been doing the same thing all over again, as if you are a mechanism with only one use, and that is to keep moving and moving at the same pace. You feel that you're getting more stupid and unintelligible as time go by, well, in the manner of learning new things, or of improving the skills you once have. I am a journalism graduate, I dream of doing writing for a living. But at this time that I'm spending my time taking phone calls each day, I feel that I'm losing the little writing skill that I have.
That's why I'm taking this time to write. Blogging gives me a chance to practice that skill once again. It is free-writing, not really that kind of writing wherein you have to conform with strict writing procedures. In a way, its' your own discretion if you still would like to conform to that. Anyway, it's a form of expressing your inner most thoughts.
I know that a job at a call center is a temporary one, and by doing my writing through blogging at my free, after-work hours will be a good help for me to bring my writing skills back!...I know it won't be for long. As to quote the religious, "this too shall pass!"

Second story: As I've been feeling the burn-out, I cannot help but feel cynical again about the everyday people I meet. In the confines of a call center, you meet different kinds of outspoken people. You meet the angst-driven types, the loud people, the silent type, the controlled behavior type, the passive type, and the leader type.
The angst drivens
Let me describe to you Tere, she graduated from one of the good universities in the metro. If not for the good pay, she might have been the advertising executive (with the model-type boy) working at good concepts for different advertisements, or events. An outspoken, she says what's on her mind, no matter how blunt, or sharp her criticisms may be. She lives by her principle that nobody can change her and "i'm-not-adjusting-to-your-lifestyle" kind of attitude. She's blunt in the sense that she will say right into your face if you don't look good, or if she doesn't like the kind of thinking you have. She knows what she wants, and she doesn't care if you like her or not, or if she has been too harsh on the people she's around with. Well, her attitude is not new, for a person who has been the "bunso" and only girl in the family.
Personally, she has been my big sister, as she tells me what's wrong with me, and how i should think of myself first before other people.


Then, there's Bryan. He may seem quiet and passive at times, but he can say the meanest bad word in tagalog when he mutes the phone when talking to an irate or confused american! One thing notciceable are his rebuttals when he's off discussing things such as "maam, as of now, you are not a customer, you are a debtor!", or when an american hears his "girl-like tone of voice", he goes, "no maam, I'm a boy!
But he can be jolly, and playful when he wants to destress, or when its "petiks" time. He's cute, with all his gurgles and baby-like gestures!


The Loud people
Kristin's voice can be heard from one end of the room, to another (well, that is an exaggeration, but her voice is really loud, no matter what happens, no matter where she is!) She laughs at the meanest or shallowest of jokes. She's the bully who will laugh at you and make fun of you. Bottom line is, she just loves to have fun. As she describes herself, "Deep inside, mababaw lang ako!" But don't think this girl doesn't have the brains, because she does. Amazingly, she's able to understand the process of the work we are doing. She's really a great help. She's a responsible girl who is able to take care of herself, her family, her boyfriend, and of course, her friends. Deo, his boyfriend is so lucky to have her!
Anyway, I consider Kristin as one of my reliable, sensible ate.


(I'm tired, think I'll continue this some other day...)