free writing

I'm on a really bad case of burn out. I've been feeling negative about myself all the time. I feel that I cannot do things. I do not have the energy, the strength, moreover, the confidence to do things I'm supposed to do. There are things which I know am capable to do, but one day find out that I'm totally blanked!


You might find this stupid. I've been working at a call center for over a year already. Everyday, I've been talking to American debtors, asking them to pay their grocery card/shopping bills, I have my everyday spiels, rebuttals, and such negotiating powers to demand them to pay. For some time, I know my spiels like the back of my hand.

Due to some unknowable forces, I've been feeling that I cannot do it. I've been failing to reason out, failed to negotiate, failed to work. It's stupid. I feel like I don't even know simple English.

It bothers me that I cannot do it. I don't even know the reason. I just know the ability is there, it's just that I'm too tired, too sick of saying the same spiels all over again. It's a feeling wherein you would just like to throw up everything that you have digested, everything that you have taken in.

The tagalog word comes to mind: pananawa.

I don't know when this will it end, but I hope it just will.

I have literally ANNOUNCED to close friend that I'm in a bad position right now, "wala sa huwisyo" as I'd always put it.

Joey said that it happens to anyone. Every situation is part of a cycle. At one point, you feel like heaven and the universe are on your side, making things happen to you, but at one point, there will be a time wherein you just feel that you're at a deep end of some things much bigger, some things you cannot control, some loneliness you cannot fight back just by simply telling yourself to cheer up. The brink of loneliness, despair and depression (well, that's too dark a description, but let's just put it that way)

(Of course, I know that already. He just have to remind me that! )

I believe in this "adage".

Of course, as I've said, I need to get out of this one. I cannot go on like this for a long time. This has to end.

******


While trapped inside this kind of paranoia, Joey had the urge or rather, decided to accompany me while waiting for things to clear outside. (For most of you who don't know, I work in a call center, and saturday shift ends up at 4am. It would be too difficult to go home at wee hours of the morning, so I have to wait for mr. early morning sunshine to rise.) Me and Joey had this serious talk this morning about things that bother me, about things that make me weak, about things I cannot do. Simply put, talk about my frustrations in life.

You might put it as such deep talk to start the day, but I cannot help feeling that way.

He told me about strength, focus, how not to be a weakling in front of my family. To stand my ground in whatever ways, be it in family life or whatever. He even told me to take some time alone, and be confident with it. He told me not to be afraid to do my stuff at the most strange, or at places which seem impossible to me: at a park, in a church, or anywhere I'm comfortable at. (ahem, push those malicious thought and dirty minds aside, I'm not talking about masturbation!)

This is in terms of trying to write creatively. Try to observe people, places and make a story out of them. I need to exercise myself to do it.

As of now, I didn't have the strength to do it. Well, not yet because the park where I went to a while ago turned out to be an uncomfortable place to write. Imagine, I look like a weirdo sitting alone underneath a tree, while some "kurimaw" tricycle driver and passers-by look at you and wonder what you are doing. (THe world, they just don't understand why some people need to have their own space!)

Anyway, it might have been a nice scenario: Me, alone, writing, underneath the cool shade of a tree.........

but not with those kinds of people staring at me. Anyway, lecture me about not to please all people, and hell-do-they-care about what I do, but I don't feel comfortable. Period.

Anyway, so now, I'm practicing free writing through this post, obviously. Typing away words and sentences associated to the kind of grogginess and stupidity, and loneliness eating me right now.

At the very least, It has been "detoxifying" me. Something to unleash all the negativity that has been bottling me and my mind.

'Do apologize for my emo craze. I have nothing to do but rant.

*****


Tin and Joey gave me a short lecture on happiness. Joey told me about the cycle thing. Tin opposed saying that it is just a state of mind.

I agreed with JOey.

Tin blurted. "Well, what could be worst, I lost a brother."

I insisted, "well, it depends on the environment you have" When everyone still have the ability to smile, laugh and go through life, you get affected. But what if everyone around you create a mood of loneliness and negativity.

In this case, happiness is difficult to attain.

Still Tin's not convinced that you have to worry about not being happy.

Part of me wants to believe that happiness is really a state of mind, and that it's a decision. You choose to be happy, but that doesn't happen most of the time.

You develop this certain kind of strength, of being happy when you are at the peak, or if not at a certain stage of happiness...

anyway, i have to end this post.

Need to leave now. Have to continue this for next time.